Theater V Betting: Episode III

ep 3

The other half of the Karmotrine Detector, the Phasmo Detector, leads the group into a Dark Zone.  The smell of dust permeates the air as they breathe in the chemicals.

Man, if only panelists could talk even when they've disappeared…
Force Ghost Ceia! I knew you cared!
Actually, I'm just here to warn you that in a few days time, a God-Level Primal Meteor* will strike and eliminate everyone. Not my problem though. Have fun! (*Dissipates into Aether*)
Oh good, guess this isn't my problem anymore.
Didn't Xyn make a trailer for Theater III? We can try and see if there's anyone who can stop a meteor.
Fury! You were still with us?
Yeah, I just didn't have any lines during the T2 segment. Trailer, start!
Wait… Seres was in Theater III but is missing from the chart.
Of course, he's the F2P God after all. Wait, F2P God… God… Do you think he can stop the meteor? We gotta find him first, though. It looks like Theater III is a bit… Divided.

Small, ball-like robots enter the gang's field of vision. More familiar faces appear, hanging around a house-like structure.

Why is everyone on top of a KCCO Recce Center?
I was wandering around the desert and happened upon this Brekkie Center. I hijacked it and the other people somehow found me.
This must be the power of fate and/or lazy writing! Wait, didn't Brekkie say he was an F2P Top Ranker in his Theater introduction?
Yeah, he did! So that means all we need to do is deify him to stop that meteor!
*nervous sweating*
How do we deify him?
Boy do I love being a vtuber. *whistles*
Hey, each Theater is like a generation, right? And you know what has generations? Idols. You know who are deified? Idols. Therefore, we need to make Brekkie an idol. After all, who could hate idols?
Fans when they find out their idol is in a relationship.
Good thing there's no chance of that happening.
Why did I even involve myself in this mess?
But how are we supposed to get people to simp for Brekkie?
It's easy, we don't. We just need to rig the votes and the people will believe it. Do we have any marketing people?
We have Gaige. He's inside the Recce Center.

The door to the Recce Center opens, revealing a ragged and starved Gaige chained to a terminal.

Am I finally free? I haven't touched grass in so long! Is that real sunlight?
No, just checking to see if you're still alive. We need you to be the do-er" for us "idea" guys.

Xyn presses the "close" button, and the hydraulics start descending.

Now that we got that settled, does anyone have any ideas?
How about the time Cleista changed Commander Names to "FkCeia"? With all the account scrambling, we can make it look like organic growth!
Excellent, let me just get the name change-- hey! Someone stole my identity!
Who would do such a thing?
Why change your name when you can own multiple accounts? After some intense grinding, I can sway the vote with my multiple Theater-ready alts! With this, our victory is guaranteed!
How many alts did you make?
Around 6-10.
We can get better reach with my catchy marketing campaign! By assigning a letter to each part of the ideal body (A, B, and C), we can rig the theater votes!
Great, what's the ideal body you based this on?
Lee Enfield, of course! Such divinity will never lead me astray!
Lee Enfield's super different from Dorothy!
Why not use cats? That's what I do.
Excellent. With our panel influence, I can swing the votes the right way! I set them to go off in the morning. All according to kek.

--The next morning--

Xyn, where are your votes?
It's not morning yet…? Oh shit, I forgot about the time differences!
Wait, you didn't put in your votes yet? How am I supposed to copy Cleista's 5 AM result posting?
Man the fraud really goes deep. I hope the Theater archives don't get [redacted] for this.
Does this mean we won't get to read Theater Essay Anon's comments anymore? Damn, I should've remembered to read them.
Leave it to me, Registeel, the Funniest Man Alive. I brought that bloke's essays with me because I knew this would happen.

Jesse reads the comments, as Fury comes in holding a piece of paper.

The vote results just came in, and it says… we're disqualified? What?
Y-yeah, how did that happen, haha?
Wait a minute, I think I just realized why Brekkie's intro was crossed out. It's because he plagiarized Seres. It looks like Brekkie doesn't have magical F2P powers after all! Shit, we're absolutely screwed because EN couldn't read!
I knew this would happen.

With this divine revelation, the heavens open up and smite Brekkie for plagiarism.

Brekkie, no! He was just doing a little bit of trolling! Do the heavens not know sarcasm?
No, but I guess they don't count copying votes as plagiarism.

With this normal revelation, the heavens open up and eliminate Soup with the Tarkies Squad from Theater II. 

Well, I guess I'm out. Gonna catch up on One Piece before the world ends. See you nerds later!
Ok, Cleista, this is going to sound even dumber, but Jesse just gave me an idea.
Why are you asking me for permission to embarrass yourself?
So One Piece is a manga in Shonen Jump. And what is Shonen Jump about? Friendship. So what if the real F2P God Seres was the friends we made along the way?
Kakusei - Superfly

Once again, the heavens open up in a glimmering light.  This time, a buff, celestial figure descends before the group.

As lame as it sounds, your friendship has motivated me to come out of retirement.
Seres! Can you revive all the previous Theater Panel members?
No can do, unfortunately.
Can you save us from the God-Level Primal Meteor from impacting us with the power of your lifts?
I don't know if my F2P powers will let me beat that meteor. To be honest, it seemed like quite the tough opponent, so I didn't appear earlier because I was scared. But I've come to realise my duty as the F2P God is to protect all the mengxins. So, I'll do it. You guys stay, I'll go.

Seres crouches down, muscles rippling as he prepares for his fate.  With a mighty lunge, he takes off into space.

We'll never forget you, F2P God. We will be sure to get MK153 from Theater V in your honor.

A booming voice comes down from the Heavens.

Hey, Fury.
Seres! Did you ascend?
Uh, no. It turns out this is a Pay-To-Win God-Level Primal Meteor, and my F2P Powers aren't enough to beat it. I'm being pushed back towards Earth as we speak.
We need more force! We're going to need to draw straws to see who goes up there to help Seres!

Attracted by the concentration of contrived cringe, the UNFUNNY appears and stomps towards the surviving group members.

This is the worst timing ever.

Suddenly, Corsage's gauntlet glows as Matt's corpse tears itself out of the bodybag Haku had been carrying.

This is almost the best timing ever.
By the power of TikTok fame, I am back and now funny!
I think that's an oxymoron right there.

BLAM!  The UNFUNNY fires the Anti-Fun Cannon once more.

Matt stands in front of the group, unscatched.

Now that my Funniness exceeds the power of the Anti-Fun Cannon, I am immune! By the power of my newfound Funny, I order you to… GET OUT!

With a crisp SNAP from Matt's gauntlet, the UNFUNNY is momentarily stunned before it flies into space towards Seres and the meteor.

Super serious deadlifts!

A resounding cliche of starnova fireworks appear as the three bodies collide, followed by a faded visage of Seres smiling in the sky.

Welcome back, Matt. Due to an unforeseen number of unfortunate events, I don't think we have enough people for a panel yet, so it's time to recruit from Theater 4...


Closing Remarks

On the Next Episode: It's soon approaching Theater IV and the end!  This will be a double release since both episodes are rather short.  

As usual, put down your predictions, memes, and comments on the episodes! To participate, you can reply to this article, reply to the tweet on GamePress Twitter, comment on the reddit  postor ping/send messages to me via discord at Hakurai#1379! We'll see you soon!